On a wheeled horse I ride. i.am.rollerman

Crusader for the Non Bi-Pedal, On a Wheeled Horse I Ride.

In Life, wheelchair on October 9, 2010 at 6:28 pm

I am out on my weekly self appointed crusade to patrol the parking spots deemed worthy only for us wheeled class.

My first three stops: CVS, Staples and Wal-Mart.   Wal-Mart, normally a Hedin of faux parkers is unusually quiet.  With ample parking and no gawkers in sight, I decide to dismount.

Backing into a van accessible spot, out of nowhere, an unmanned shopping cart meanders in to my line of sight.   I have now backed my van into the shopping cart which is now sandwiched between a concrete post and the back of my van.  I have wounded my mount.

Unlike the other dents, caused by anonymous idiots who didn’t feel it their responsibility to stop and report their sin or at least leave a note on my window shield (which of course I am not able to reach.)

If they were literate and had the common courtesy to leave a note, it would most likely read:

“Dear Handicapped Van Driver,

I am sure that you are most likely already bitter, having to still drive a pimped out MiniVan with your children all raised.  True, most men of your socio- demo and economic class are driving Cobalt Blue Audi A2 convertibles. (Me, I drive a Benz.)

So me saying “sorry” is a waste of both of our time.  You see, I need that time since I now must waddle into the store and stand in line to purchase the new “Gears of War” video game.   It looks amazing on my 50 inch flat panel.  You can’t believe what you can afford when you’re on public assistance.  Now excuse me while I can still go and purchase a soda with my food stamps.

P.S. OK, I did hit your car, but don’t be a hater.

Signed: A large majority of today’s population

True, I am pissed, but I am also amazed that this individual could fit all this with no misspellings on a Popeye’s Chicken store receipt.

My final stop, Sam’s Club.    The parking lot is three quarters empty.  None of the handicapped spots are occupied, except for one.  Parked DIAGONALLY across a Van accessible Handicapped Spot, clearly marked “FOR VANS ONLY,” is a 2009 Cobalt Blue Audi A2 Convertible.

The plate has none of the required handicapped logos.  It’s a New Jersey Veterans of Foreign War’s Plate with a Purple Heart Insignia.   There is also a sticker on the car’s bumper that reads, verbatim “Recipient of a Purple Heart.”  Just to give them the benefit of the doubt, I wheel around to the front of the car.  Bingo! No placard hanging from the front window either.

In Rehab and in life I’ve met several veterans and police officers who have been wounded while servicing duty.  None of these individuals wanted to talk of their experiences or injuries without ample prodding. Even after much prodding these individuals still down play their contributions and hope to once again hide their wounds.

Now fuming,  (I would also be frothing at the mouth too, but I was dehydrated from my dosage of Lasix)  I retreat back into Crip Force One, disguising myself as one of the bucket seats, hoping to catch a glimpse of this individual.    I wait about an hour.  The parking lot empties and then once again fills, but still the Audi A2 convertible remains.

I decide to take this recon mission mobile, exiting the van and entering the store, hoping to locate Commander Pant Load.

The smooth polished concrete floors of Sam’s Club are my license to thrill, allowing me to scour the store in under five minutes.   Apparently I am traveling so fast that one my Wife’s friends, shopping at that time found it necessary to report me and to let her know of my “recklessness.” (a topic of several upcoming blog posts.)

Little does my the Mrs know, but I wasn’t even in my motorized chair, I was in my manual chair, propelling myself.  There is a difference.

Having searched all of the aisles and discovering no one I exit the store  As I make my way through the gauntlet of can shaking children in their various school paraphernalia cluttering the front exit (the norm at most stores), I have, who I believe is the perp in my sight.

An older gentleman with a full head of gray hair topped off with a VFW purple sidehat.  He’s wearing a purple VFW jacket as well with a Purple Heart Insignia.  Around his neck is an Italian Horn pendant hanging from a gold chain.   He reminds me more of an Atlantic City Casino worker than an honored war veteran.

I’ve seen this guy before, as a matter of fact, every time I’ve been to this Sam’s Club.  He is sitting at a card table selling chances to win $100K in a raffle to benefit Veterans of Foreign Wars.

A young Mother with two in tow approaches the card table, reaching into her purse.  Without warning her young  Son stumbles and falls into the card table.   Quicker than I can say “I smell a fraud” this former Rambo, is able to launch from his chair and prevent the card table from toppling.

Something smells bad at Sam’s Club, and this time that smell is not coming from me.    I could be wrong; he might have fought in the “Sham Offensive.

  1. yummy…..Popeyes 😉

    You are a first class raconteur, Jeff. SCI creates issues for you that 90% of the population doesn’t consider, much less face, but your words effectively translate your trials and tribulations with grace and humor, heightening our awareness of your particular struggle and simultaneously (wonderfully!) highlighting the commonality of all human frustration.

    I really enjoy reading your writing – keep it coming!

    • Roe,

      Thanks Roe. Perhaps with more positive reviews such as yours I could quit my weekend job of sitting in front of Walgreens shaking a can for loose change.
      Trust me, I have no problem shaking a can for money because I know that I am shaking a can so that, one day, I can once again shake my own “can,” like I did that time in 1983 on Spring Break in Daytona at a Holiday Inn Happy Hour.

      I’ve got more coming. The next entitled: I Don’t Have No Stinkin’ Chinny Chin Chin.

  2. yu have a way with words rollerman. thoughly enjoyed your accurate comments and under lying message. i have a good friend, a high quad, that does the following and gets great results. when he finds a temp abled body vehicle w/o necessary handicap hang tag/plate/placard he just parks behind them. then calls the cops to report the violation. when the jurmok owner of said vehicle comes out and starts shouting his mouth off about being blocked in, my friend says —i cannot get my vehicle started i just called AAA road service. the guy calms down. when the cops arrive, my friend pints out the violation and said driver, starts his van and drives off intoi the sunset lauging his ass off. try it some time. have local police phn numbers stored in your cell phnor on 3×5 card in your vehicle. happy blocking!!!!!

  3. I’m thinking maybe a creative calling card to let them know that you know. Burning bag of poop… Sugar in the tank… Too mean spirited. If you want we can make really poignant stickers that can peel the paint right off…

  4. Dear Jeff,
    Your accountant wishes to point out that he drives his mini van by choice. Okay, it’s not really by choice even though he claims it is. He still needs its volumous space as three of the kids are still in college and need his transporting services, and truth be told, he can’t afford anything more luxurious as three of the kids are still in college and he is paying car insurance on five vehicles and service on six cell phones.
    Anyways, it is unbelievable how many people use the handicapped spots and claim that they are entitled because they have some minor ailment or were once injured and still have a tag that some careless doctor neglected to date when they were injured and intitled to its use years ago.
    The other thing that amazes me are the idiots who leave their sleeping babies in locked cars in store parking lots. They are afraid to leave their GPS in view in the car, but their precious baby they leave. Keep up your patrolling!

  5. Great way of getting a serious point across with humor….I can just see the whole scene in my mind with the way you described it in such detail. Keep the entries coming!

    • I LOVE your handle! You were one of my inspirations to start this blog having remembered your pojo column. Perhaps someday I might appear in said publication.

    • I realized that your handle is off. I should be “Pepsi,” since referenced individual never drank a Diet Pepsi. Also it should be “the package” as in “the situation” ala Jersey Shore.

      Just doing my part to make others in my world do my bidding.

  6. OMG – I HAVE A PENTHOUSE MAG WITH PIA ZADORA FEATURED ON IT FROM OCTOBER 1983…. First though, I have to make sure none of the pages are stuck together before I throw it up on eBay…

    • The above post was a mistake (Well it wasn’t a mistake, but just not for this Blog,) sorry Jeff, I will always be an idiot….

      I’ve dealt with “Handi parking spots” for well over 20 years and now that your paying attention to them as I’m sure you hadn’t in the past, the handicap spots really have come a long way. At first there never were hadispots, then when they appeared there was rebellion among the lucky pain free able bodied to walk and run bi-peds. Things have actually got better than 10 years ago, cops didn’t care or have the time, people didn’t care but with The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), things have at least been brought to the table and now we get recognized and have a legal tool to fight back with. As you grow with your situation most of the time u will learn to just blowoff these A-Holes and go about your business. BUT….i warn you there will always be this one big jerk who derserves a woop ass kicking. Instead of Guardian Angels we should form a group of identifying The Brain Dead and educate them through humility, (maybe spray paint, knives to puncture tires and hammers for headlights), NO just kidding I think your sticker idea is a much better tool for awareness as the human beings in wheel chairs is a growing population so are our abilities to provide for ourselves including self defence. Just try not to let the handi parkers bother you too much becuase it’s not good for your health…

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