An annual rite of passage for us folk who work for a mega-conglomerate, re-enrolling for coverage by our healthcare provider de l’annee (that’s French for “of the year” I’m trying to class up the blog postings up a bit..).
A new wrinkle this year is we also have a new benefits website.
Please got to the following http://benefits.bigcompany.com
I can dig it. I like doing everything online without having to speak with a “customer service representative.” It’s not the conversation I detest, its the pre-conversation aural stool that I must endure:
“Pulse uno para el español” that’s “Press one for Spanish” For those not playing the versión en español of our home game.
(This is NOT meant to be a dig on my Spanish Peers. Aren’t you all sick of hearing this on every call introduction? Most, if not all of you speak English AND Spanish. Not many of us gringos can speak Spanish AND English. Score one for team Hispania)
“This call may be monitored for call quality.” Not their goal. We need to record any conversation in lieu of any future litigation.
“If your call pertains to… press…” What number do I press if I’m beyond annoyed, 11?
Then it’s the pompous on-hold music. Its purpose to elicit the image of “a reputable institution of high morale standing.” Sorry. When I hear harpsichord music I think of the Addams Family and when I hear that other ditty I think of “Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard.” “Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?” “But of course!”
Finally after ten minutes I bail on the call, without speaking with either Amélie or Pierre. meunier au revoir! (That’s French for see you later sucker!)
I once again attempt to use the web site. I tried to use it this weekend but I didn’t have an important bit of information, my employee ID #.
“Your employee ID# can be found on your pay stub” (reads the help button on the screen)
I joined the company 18 years ago before the internet and have always had direct deposit. The last pay stub I saw was back in 1980 when I worked at Convenient Food Mart, store 182 (holler to all my former homies!!). I finally locate my employee ID # on one of my employer’s intranet sites.
Next, “Enter your temporary password” (which is the last four digits of your social security and your first four characters of your birthday). Again I am stumped. What is my birth date? I can’t call my Mother, she’s deceased. What if I’m Chinese, should I subtract a digit? I call my Wife; I’m back in bizness.
After signing in, the first step is to pick a new user name and a password. So much for the foreplay, real decisions need to be made now, schnell, schnell!
(To be continued)
Tales from the Crip...musings of a T10 Para 